Excellent story you've got going here. Please keep up the good work, I eagerly anticipate each new chapter. It's a bit hard to speak on the balance reading it piece by piece, but I don't think you have anything to worry about.
I noticed that you do a lot of summerizing over the more boring parts of the story, or should I say more repetative? I think repetative is a good word. It's a good idea. It keeps the reader from going "Hey, what? When did that happen?" When you get down to the dialogue and the action you do a good job.However, I noticed that you tend to ignore the senses when you write. You started out very strong in the sensory imagry, but then you just stopped. It's only cold or decent weather. Descriptions seemed hurridly brushed over and sometimes the setting and atmosphere is hard to grasp. The few things that you do tend to describe are a bit lengthy but still seem to fail to scratch the surface of the description.The action is good though, it's brisk and it moves. I've also found myself laughing at the quips I understood. The dialogue and the action definately made everything worth the time it takes to read and the time we have to wait.I hope that you're not offended. I have problems with the same things.-AC
I'm certainly not offended, especially given that I asked for the evaluation.
Poor old Kirsten is getting short shrift these days. She only seems to see him at band practice, and they don't seem to work on their relationship at all.
Anonymous, I've thought about that issue. But then I think: these kids are in grade six. What exactly is a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship at that age?For the few people I knew who had one, it mostly meant that they called themselves boyfriend and girlfriend. They held hands and maybe stole the odd kiss. Otherwise, it was indistinguishable from hanging out together.That aside, yeah, they need to do some more stuff together. Both of them, however, have been rather tightly scheduled lately. In addition to what we've seen with Arthur, Kirsten has jujitsu and her own music lessons and practice to do.Thanks.
Well, I love the relationship between Mary and Artie. It makes me envious. My cousins are really close to one another, but my brothers and I drifted apart when I went to intermediate school due to my older brother and different ideas on what was cool and what was stupid. I miss being close to my brother and the trust we used to share with one another.It's nice to see the two getting closer, but sometimes I think that Mary is just a little too perfect. It's as if she doesn't have a flaw at all. It makes her a little flat.
Hi AC,Yeah, you're right about Mary. It's something I've thought about, too.She does have flaws, but they just haven't come up very much in the story. I did show her giving Terry a smack in the back of the head, but that's about it.Mary is just one of those calm persons who don't rile very easily. Plus, she naturally loves children. Given those two properties, and that one of the biggest trials in a kid's life is siblings, I've inadvertently limited my options for showing Mary when she isn't at her best.I'm going to have to let my subconscious work on the problem.
I see what you mean. It is hard for me to see Mary ever losing her temper, but I'd like to see more of a reaction from her towards Terry. Though, I have to admit that the smack on the head was hilarious. I also have my suspicions about him with his, "Is Mary going to be there?" question. Could it be me or was he homeful? Hrm. Poor Mary.I can't wait for her to learn some magic. I have suspect her to come out with some powerful attack on the people who are trying to hurt Arty out of no where. I suppose a girl can dream.
Wow, reading that I totally messed it up. I half expect Mary to come up with some ass-kickery, and I suspect that Terry is hopeful, not homeful.*sighs*
GreetingsA good story well told. I'm enjoying the narrative and your cliff hangers are fun. Kids not acting their 'exact' ages has been an issue since Tom Sawyer, "Our Gang" and Andy Hardy...Tell your story and we populate our minds with a picture of each member of your cast. Mine may not look exactly like yours but thats' not a barrier to my enjoymentIf proofreading becomes a necessity, put an appeal in your BLOG for a first reader. Somebody will likely step up. So far it has not prevented me from enjoying your story others are probably more sensitive and since the comma is the anti-christ I'm not one to ask about punctuation This is a cool story and thank you for sharing it. I hope your muse stays active for this and many more.Enjoy the journeyWarLord
the story is well drawn out and I absolutely love the pace. other than that the only problem I seem to have is that the style has shifted a slight bit from the beginning, especially where magic is concerned, magic is slowly becoming more mathematical or scientific, whereas it was more of a refreshing experience in a new idea on how to deal with magic. I do like that we finally have a concrete face on our antagonist
Great story, but I think I agree with what AC said, and that is more description for the emotions and actions could be used to improve the sotry. I really like the charactor and plot development though, you really made the charactors feel alive and gave them such distinct and unique personalities...All in all, I'll give you 2 thumbs up and I eagarly wait for more!
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